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The most important questions to ask before getting engaged check three things: that you both want marriage and want it soon, that you picture a similar married life, and that you agree on the big topics like money, children, faith and family. Ask “What does marriage mean to you?” and “When do you see us getting married?” well before a ring appears. Below are 55 questions in five groups, a readiness check, and a script for bringing it up.
Why talk before the proposal?
Movies make proposals look like total surprises. In real life, the best proposals are a surprise about the moment, not about the decision. You both already know you want this. You just don’t know when, where or how.
Talking first doesn’t spoil the romance. It protects it. Nobody wants a public proposal followed by a private “I’m not sure.”
Group 1: Are we both ready?
Start with readiness. These are honest, sometimes slightly nerve-racking questions, and that’s fine.
- Do you want to get married someday, and do you want to marry me?
- Roughly when do you imagine getting engaged?
- How long would you like to be engaged before the wedding?
- Is there anything you’d want to sort out in your own life first, like finishing school or paying off a debt?
- Do you feel any pressure to get engaged from family, friends or age?
- What would make you feel truly ready?
- Have we seen each other at our worst, and are we still sure?
- How have we handled our biggest disagreement so far?
- Do you feel you can be completely yourself with me?
- Is there anything about our relationship you’re quietly unsure about?
If the answer to question 10 is yes, that isn’t a dealbreaker. It’s a conversation. Better to have it now than in a wedding-planning spreadsheet.
Group 2: What marriage means to each of us
Two people can both want marriage and picture completely different things.
- What does marriage mean to you, beyond a wedding?
- How do you think marriage will change our relationship, if at all?
- Which marriages do you admire, and why?
- What did your parents’ relationship teach you about marriage, good or bad?
- What roles do you imagine each of us having at home?
- How do you see us dividing work, careers and caregiving?
- What does commitment mean to you on a hard day?
- How do you feel about divorce?
- Are there any traditions, religious or cultural, you’d want in our marriage?
- Would you want to change your last name, combine names, or keep them as they are?
Questions 14 and 19 often open the most interesting conversations. Our questions to ask before marriage about values take them much further.
Group 3: The big life topics
You don’t need identical answers. You need answers that can live in the same house.
Children
- Do you want children, and if so, how many and roughly when?
- How would we feel if having children proved difficult?
- Would we consider adoption, fostering or other paths?
Money
- Would we combine finances fully, partly or not at all?
- Do you have any debt, and how do you feel about it?
- What does financial security look like to you?
- Are you a saver, a spender or somewhere in between?
Where and how we live
- Where would you like to live long term?
- Would you ever move for a job, or for mine?
- City, suburbs or countryside?
- How important is owning a home to you?
Faith and values
- What role does faith or spirituality play in your life?
- How would we handle different beliefs, especially with children?
- Which values are non-negotiable for you?
Family
- How involved do you expect our families to be in our married life?
- How would we handle it if a parent disapproved of a decision?
- Would you ever want a parent to live with us?
- How will we split holidays between families?
Family is one of the most common sources of friction for engaged couples. If this group raised more questions than answers, see our questions to ask your partner about family boundaries.
Group 4: How we work as a team
- When we argue, what do you need from me to feel heard?
- How do you like to repair things after a fight?
- What’s one thing you’d like us to get better at as a couple?
- How will we make big decisions together?
- How do you want to be supported during stressful times?
- How will we keep dating each other once we’re married?
- Would you be open to premarital counseling or a couples workshop?
- What will we do if we hit a problem we can’t solve alone?
Many couples work through a premarital workbook for couples together. It gives structure to conversations that can feel awkward to start from scratch.
Group 5: The proposal and the engagement
Lighter, but worth talking about, because expectations here can quietly differ.
- Do you want the proposal to be a total surprise, or would you rather we plan it together?
- Public or private proposal?
- Would you want family or friends there, or nearby to celebrate afterward?
- Do you have feelings about rings: style, metal, budget or whether to have one at all?
- Would you like to choose the ring together, or be surprised?
- Should we ask anyone’s blessing, or is that not for us?
- How soon after getting engaged would you want to start planning the wedding?
- Big wedding, small wedding or elopement?
- Who do you want to tell first?
If a ring is involved, a discreet ring sizer tool saves you from guessing. For the planning stage itself, our guide to questions to ask your partner about the future helps you think beyond the wedding day.
A quick readiness check
After you’ve talked, look at where you landed on each area.
| Area | We agree | We differ but have a plan | We haven’t talked or it’s unresolved |
|---|---|---|---|
| Wanting marriage and timing | |||
| What marriage means | |||
| Children | |||
| Money | |||
| Where we live | |||
| Faith and values | |||
| Family involvement | |||
| Handling conflict |
Mostly in the first two columns? That’s a strong sign. Anything in the last column isn’t a “no”, it’s a “not yet”. Talk it through, and consider a premarital counselor if you keep circling the same topic.
How to bring it up without it sounding like an ultimatum
You could say: “I love where we’re going, and I’d love to talk about marriage, not to push anything, just so we’re dreaming in the same direction. Can we pick a relaxed evening to go through a few questions?”
A few tips:
- Pick a calm moment. Not after a wedding you both attended, and not mid-argument.
- Spread it out. One group per evening is plenty.
- Answer honestly, not hopefully. Saying what you think your partner wants to hear only delays the real conversation.
- Expect some differences. Every couple has them. What matters is how you handle them together.
If you’d like a lighter way to open the topic, the Couple Question Generator can serve up a random prompt to break the ice. You’ll find more topics for every stage in our complete guide to questions for couples.
Frequently asked questions
What should you talk about before getting engaged?
Talk about whether you both want marriage and roughly when, what marriage means to each of you, and the big life topics: children, money, where you’ll live, faith and family involvement. Discuss how you handle conflict, too. It also helps to share expectations about the proposal and engagement, such as ring preferences and whether you’d like a surprise.
How do you know you’re ready to get engaged?
You’re likely ready if you’ve openly discussed marriage, children, money and family, and your answers fit or you’ve agreed how to handle differences. You’ve seen each other through stress and disagreements and still feel sure. Neither of you feels pressured by outside expectations. If an important topic still feels unresolved, it’s usually worth talking more before a proposal.
How long should you date before getting engaged?
There’s no universal timeline. What matters more than months is whether you’ve experienced real life together: stress, conflict, family time and big decisions. Many couples feel more confident after they’ve been through a full year of seasons, holidays and challenges together. If you’re both sure and you’ve covered the important questions, the exact number matters less.
Should you talk about marriage before a proposal?
Yes. Talking about marriage beforehand means the proposal is a surprise about the moment, not the decision. It reduces the risk of a mismatch, a pressured answer or an awkward public “I need to think.” You can still keep the when, where and how as a surprise, so the romance stays intact.
Should we do premarital counseling before getting engaged?
It isn’t required, but many couples find it helpful, either before or during the engagement. A counselor or structured program gives you a safe space to work through topics like money, family and conflict with guidance. It’s especially worth considering if you keep getting stuck on the same disagreement or come from very different backgrounds.